Writing is tough when I’m tired. This happened during chemo, too — I got so tired that I didn’t keep up with my writing. Radiation fatigue has been tough. Plus having treatments five days a week eats up about three hours of every day. Roughly 10:30-1:30 if you’re really curious, though it can shift a bit depending on traffic and wait times. I usually nap for about an hour a day, at least once, and while it seems like that would leave a lot of time for writing, I’m just slower at everything. Plus, sometimes I just want to ignore the cancer for a bit and read or watch tv (I’ve binge watched all of Supergirl and Flash, and am now into season 3 of Arrow when I hadn’t watched any of the CW comic book shows before this bout of cancer).

At night, I don’t always sleep well. Nightmares aren’t uncommon. I’m not surprised by them. Nightmares during my second bout of cancer in the same number of years and at the end of the same year in which I lost my dad? Not shocking. To some extent, they’re the inevitable result of emotional exhaustion. I don’t mean that in any sort of unhealthy way. As my psychiatrist has said, that sort of exhaustion is only to be expected after the past two years. If you expand it, it makes even more sense. Even though it hasn’t always been as dire as cancer and death, I think it’s been more than five years since my husband and I had a serious multi-month stretch of normalcy (i.e. no family deaths, serious health problems, or major career issues for either of us).

Since Tuesday the nightmares have been about bullies, friends being harmed because of the color of their skin or the gender of the one they love, and our society being overrun by white supremacists. How do I cope with the nightmares and exhaustion? Sometimes, it’s by taking a break, bribing my cat with treats, and watching a feminist kids’ show about how friendship can conquer any problem, no matter how serious. Other times, it’s actively not turning away from the problems and stresses.

By trying to do better in my daily life. By looking forward to when I can actively do more, but figuring out what I can do now. By reaching out to friends. By making sure that my social media and my pocketbook are aligned with my ethical values.

For my latest nightmares, I’m trying to cope by watching one of the last videos of my dad, talking about immigration and strength in diversity. It’s a little under 4 minutes long, but it’s worth watching, even if you never met my dad.