Apologies for how long it’s been since my last post. I kept meaning to write a post, but then not being able to find the words. Things were too unclear, so it was easier to just pretend they weren’t happening. Denial can be simpler than getting a grip on reality.

One of my college professors, Dr. John Fairfield, introduced me to the idea that unclear writing is indicative of unclear thinking (Want to see his writing? It’s on Amazon). He also introduced me to the idea that the best way to understand something is to force yourself to write about it. As you write you’ll find where you need to learn, research, and think. Writing forces you to take what’s been thrown at you and turn it into something you can handle and hold with confidence.

The advice was given for understanding history, but it applies to more than that. The class was Writing in the Public, after all, and I wrote some great papers there. I’m still proud of my paper laying out how the common understanding of Horatio Alger stories as supporting the idea of pulling oneself up by one’s bootstraps is a misinterpretation of the stories — someday I’ll figure out a way to return to that and do something with it, but I digress.

Digressing is easy to do when I don’t want to face reality. Digressing is a form of denial. If I can think about Horatio Alger, I can avoid thinking about reality. Reality right now is that tomorrow I get three little tattoos on my abdomen to ensure that the radiation is always aimed at the correct spot. The day after, Wednesday, I start radiation.

It’s only six weeks, but it’s five days a week for each of those weeks. This first week is weird because I only get two days of radiation before escaping to visit a dear friend and attend the wedding of two other amazing friends. I’m still unsure if this means that three extra days will be added at the end of the six weeks.

I’ve been warned that I’ll be tired, that I’ll have to avoid spice and dairy (other than yogurt). I’ve been told that my skin will be sensitive and might hurt. I’ve been told that all of the side effects will be cumulative. By this time next week I’ll start noticing the fatigue, by a week after I’ll start noticing digestive issues and need to change my diet. The recommended diet is high protein, low fiber, no dairy other than yogurt, avoid seeds, plant skins, and legumes, reduce my sugar, and drink lots and lots of water.

I’m to eat yogurt every morning. My friend Holly picked up multiple bottles of a kind I actually like that’s only available at the farmers market. I forgot to ask about alcohol, but I’m guessing I’m supposed to reduce that since it’s similar to sugar. As someone who adores cheese and dairy, normally eats legumes to get protein, and likes to eat whole apples, this doesn’t sound like a delicious six weeks. Given how food oriented I am, this has been contributing to my crabbiness.

I also won’t know what time my radiation appointments will be until tomorrow. Given that we’re trying to ask friends for rides so my husband doesn’t have to take too much time off work or I have to choose between driving while fatigued or taking an Uber/Lyft for an hour drive each way, that’s really frustrating. It feels like just another reminder of how little control I have over any of this.

I couldn’t wrap my head around it enough to write. I suspect the writing in this post is still unclear because my thoughts are still unclear. The future is incredibly murky, and I suspect anyone would feel some fear about that. I’m afraid that we won’t know how to ask for the help that we’ll so very much need. I’m afraid of the side effects. I’m afraid of the fatigue, doing what I care about for the next two months, and how long it might take to feel close to normal afterward.

Being afraid or in denial won’t keep the future away. It’ll still come. Hopefully it’ll come with kindness and hidden reservoirs of strength. Hope is not unclear. How that hope might manifest is unknown and thus unclear, but the hope itself that exists alongside those fears, that helps me function despite those fears, and that even sometimes quietly calms those fears — that is not unclear.